Thursday, October 29, 2009

Those damn kids and the red beans.

The red beans are back!!!

Gran is obsessive about the yard. She is out there at least two or three times a day in good weather sweeping and cleaning. We literally have the cleanest yard in the neighborhood (well except for the crazy guy that lives across the street, Bert and Ernie's son who is almost as obsessive as gran and he's not 91 or senile) anyway I digress.

Gran sweeps the leaves, picks up the pine needles one at a time sometimes (and occasionally sweeps the grass). We have a large pine tree in the front of the house (HUGE is a better way to describe it) as well as a beautiful large jacaranda tree. On the side of the house (we live on a corner) we have two beautiful magnolia trees that bloom and smell fantastic in the spring and summer. In the fall they lose their leaves and the flowers go to seeds. (remember this! It's important later. There will be a test).

So a couple years ago my mom goes to grans house and gran has been in the yard and on a paper towel in the kitchen is a bunch of what look like red beans or pomegranate seeds.

Mom what are these?


Huh? Where'd you get beans?

Those damn kids! They are throwing them in the grass. I picked them up.

They didn't look like food, so momma throws them away.

Fast forward a few years. I've heard this story and I know what she was talking about, but alas I forget all about it, and a few days ago I'm getting ready to leave and gran is outside sweeping. She has a handful of something and hands it to me.

Gran what is this?


I laugh. She tells me to put them in the house.

I throw them in the trash....see the "beans" are really the seeds from the magnolia tree (remember the test?) that have fallen....every fall the seed pods open and thousands of red "beans" litter the lawn.

Gran picks them up one by one from the lawn (picture my little old lady leaning heavily on a broom bending from the waist to harvest the "beans" from her lush and green lawn)

Awwww. Sometimes she's actually cute.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


When you come to grans house, don't drink the milk.

Trust me. You just might find lipstick stains on the carton. Gran likes to drink from the carton. Because this grosses me out to no end, and I do all the grocery shopping, we now have separate everything.

Gran has milk, OJ, coffee creamer and juice on the door or on the shelf eye level.

I have milk, OJ, Coffee Creamer and Juice hidden on the very bottom shelf of the door of the fridge. Out of sight outta mind. (this really does work!)

And I had a realization the other day that I better hide the egg beaters. It's in a "milk" type carton, and I'm afraid she's gonna see "egg" and think it's "egg nog" (a favorite of grans) and swill outta that too. And since Salmonilla isn't a type of seafood, and I don't particularly want to spend any more nights in the ER of Long Beach Memorial, it's safely hidden in the back, behind a few things.

See gran's eyesight ain't what it used to be. And she likes to open the fridge, and grab a carton and go to town.

Yes, I wrote that correctly. She swills from the continer of EVERYTHING.

And she's 91.

I know she has the consitution of cast iron, the old woman used to strain the curdles out of milk and still drink it (if you want a hilarious rendition of this story, ask my cousin Dan. He will leave you in stitches) Anyway, she doesn't believe in throwing out old milk, and she doesn't believe in dirtying a class when she just wants a "swaller" of something.

So it's fairly normal for the milk, and the oj continer to have lipstick on the rim.

Like I said....don't drink it! look down, and you will see my stock. Feel free to grab a glass out of the cabinet (look for the ones in the back, I promise you they are clean. Beware of the ones in the front!) and have a good long drink, knowing that it's container hasn't been molested!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

That's really weird looking coffee.....

Gran does not use a coffee pot. That is too complicated and makes too much coffee. She uses one of those plastic "one cup at a time" jobs from the grocery store and drinks decaf.

In my humble opinion decaf isn't coffee, it's brown water, but alas, that's what she drinks and she's happy with it and so we don't rock the boat. To each his/her own!

This morning I was doing one of my many chores and was cleaning the kitchen (it's imperative that I get it done because otherwise gran "cleans" (see previous post on cleaning) and we all know how gross THAT is.

So I'm happily washing the dishes when I look in grans cup and see a thick sludge, that is the color and texture of sand. Hummm....what have we here? So I think little of it and continue.

Then I grab the coffee dohickey that she uses to brew coffee. I look in it and there are fat brown pellets swelled up to the top.


this is really gross. They look like swollen dog food or hamster food....brown, icky pellets swollen twice their regular size.

I can't for the life of me figure out what it is in the coffee brewer with no filter, no nothing.

I decide to dump the whole mess out and the bottom is even worse. Then I realize exactly what is in the coffee maker.

Fiber One Cereal pellets. See, I started weight watchers and higher fiber=lower points so I have disgusting stuff like Fiber One in the house.

Why the hell is she using it as "coffee"?

Her jug of coffee is no where to be found. I finally locate it on top of the refrigerator, which is way taller than gran, so it makes perfect sense that she couldn't find it.

So in a pinch she used something else.

Fiber one is brown pellets.....


This makes no sense to me and I have no explanation, other than GROSS!!

But it does brew like coffee, in case you're ever out!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Gran is cleaning again.....

God save me.

Gran is cleaning again.

Now, I'm sure many of you are saying "why, Gran cleaning is a good thing."

um no. It's not.

When gran cleans, shit disappears and Kenna goes on the Easter egg hunt to find it.

She "emptied the trash" today and our can is one of those swanky metal cans that has a plastic removable inner liner. I put a bag in that plastic inner liner. Well gran took the trash out and I couldn't FIND the big trashcan size plastic inner liner. I looked in the kitchen. I looked in the back yard by the trash can. I looked EVERYWHERE and couldn't find it. I was getting annoyed and you can't ask gran because she will tell you she didn't do it (seriously she's like a 3 year old) and so its pointless to ask her. So frustrated I was on the hunt. It was in the dining room, near the front door. Why? Who the hell knows.

How did I figure out that the trash can was dismembered? I went to throw something away and looked in said trash can, that's when I realized that she put trash in it, without the plastic liner and without a bag. So now there is trash on the floor (peas) and I have to clean it up, clean the plastic liner that gran managed to spill the trash into and put it all back together.

See where I'm going with this?

Gran "cleaned" the kitchen. First of all, gran does not use hot water, soap or a clean towel when she "does the dishes". She "wipes" them with a dirty rag or dirty paper towel or whatever she can find. GROSS. So when she "cleans" the kitchen I have to figure out what she's "washed" and take it out and put it in the dishwasher. Usually it's fairly easy, because she puts things in the wrong spots, but when she does silverware I end up putting everything in the drawer in the dishwasher. She just finished "cleaning" all her dishes from dinner before I could stop her (I normally rush the kitchen at almost a sprint when she is heading there with the dishes. I didn't make it tonight. She wanted to "clean" her kitchen).

Thank heavens my Nanny is coming up this weekend to help deal with her. She is a handful and my mom is out of town.

*sigh* Lucy is gettin to me.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Go to Bed!

Last night was a Friday night and I had had a long week, so it was my night to relax.

The dude has football on friday nights with his son, and so its MY night to do whatever the hell I want.

Last night I decided to start on the cutest darn quilt I've ever seen. It's called Merry Go Round and I'm making it with cherry fabric and I'm quite excited about it.
So I sew my strips together, and then iron them and start to cut them into the triangles I need. Gran was pretty quiet, sittin in her chair and watching tv, not much going on. Not really on patrol, not really doing much. By 11 I was back on the couch cutting my squares.

Gran must have been tired because she decided to go to bed. But for gran, the process is LONG. She checks every single door, every window, in the closet, the washing machine, then does it all again.

So it's about midnight and I'm still on the couch, still cutting and the tv is on.

Kenna I'm going to bed.

Goodnight gran!

She goes into her room.

(a bit of background. My couch is in the living room, directly perpendicular to the hallway. grans room is on the right wall at the end of the hall, and I can see the doorway clearly from where I sit on the couch)

(3 minutes later I hear the door open and her little head pop out.)

Goodnight Kenna. Check the doors before you go to bed.

Goodnight Gran. I will.

(a minute later the door opens again.)

Kenna, it's after midnight. Its time for you to go to bed.

Excuse me? What?

I said it's late. Go to bed.

That's what I thought you said. Goodnight gran.

The door closes and I think the conversation is over.

Oh no.

Door opens a third time.

Kenna what time is it out there (as if it's different from in there?)

It's 12:17 gran.

I thought so. Go to bed. It's late.

(i looked at her like she was nuts)

Gran, I'm 32. I don't have a bedtime anymore. Goodnight gran. I will go to bed when I'm READY.

seriously?? The old woman told me to go to bed? I know she thinks I'm 9, but this is a first!!!

she goes back in her room and opens the door again.
Little old lady head pops out and she looks at me.

Goodnight gran.


Welcome to Lucyland!!

Gran that hairspray smells funny.....

Every Saturday gran goes to the hair helmet factory to get her shampoo set.

She's been going to the same lady, at the same salon, since I was probably 6 years old (that's as far back as I can remember, but who the heck knows, it was probably since I was a toddler) anyway, that's semi irrelevant to this particular story.

So the tradition is she goes to get her "hairs" done on Saturday so that on Sunday she's ready for church....I assume this is some sort of ritual left over from the dark ages before I was born, but whatever, it works for her. (Personally I find the idea of washing my hair only once a week kind of disturbing)

So during the week she "fixes" her hair herself....and on Wed she was getting ready for her weekly date with my cousin Rachelle for some action packed Bingo at Our Lady of Refuse, I mean Refuge and i was laying on the couch.

My mom came over earlier in the day and helped her get ready and then left, and because her memory isn't so great, she went into the bathroom a few more times to get ready before Rach comes. No biggie. I had come home earlier than normal because I had a wicked headache and was laying on the couch trying desperately to take a nap.

Then I hear gran fixing herself and spraying her hair (she LOVES aerosol hair spray) and I smell this funny smell that doesn't smell like hairspray. Then I think about it, the hair spray bottle sounds it's coming out at a VERY high velocity.

But I'm tired, and my head hurts so I don't think much of it, but it smells funny.

15 minutes later she goes in to "fix" herself again.

Same smell. This time I'm coughing up a lung.


GRAN what color is that hairspray bottle?


(Aqua net or final net or any of the cheap "net" hairsprays are not in pink cans)

GRAN DON"T use that "hairspray"

Why not?

oy vey. Gran. Please don't use that hairspray anymore. I will buy you some new spray.


Because gran. That's not hairspray. That's air freshener. Glade bathroom spray to be exact. I promise I will buy you some new hair spray.

Gran, please!

So I had to go in and confiscate Gran's "country garden" and replace it with some equally nasty hair spray.

Welcome to LucyLand!!