FEISTY!

Gran has been a touch feisty since I got home from my vacation.

See I was gone for two weeks and her care fell into the hands of my cousins. Since I've been back she's been on a roll. Last night was a perfect example.

The dude came over and we had dinner. Wed is Bingo night for gran, which means it's Kenna Has the House to Herself night....which loosely translates to date night.

Last night I made dinner and the kitchen was a wreck. I had to clean it but the dude left early and called me as he left....so when gran got home I was sitting on the couch talking on the phone and the kitchen was a disaster zone.

She walks into the kitchen and yells
"Kenna get off that phone and come clean this kitchen"

excuse me? pardon me? I'm 32, you have got to be kidding. Are you really giving me orders?

oh no. I'm not.

"KENNA did you HEAR ME?? I said COME CLEAN THIS KITCHEN"

Oh yes, I heard you.

"I AM ON THE PHONE. WHEN I FINISH I WILL CLEAN THE KITCHEN".

She huffs off.

30 seconds later she is on patrol. Opening and closing evey window and door in the house.

"KENNA COME CLOSE THESE WINDOWS"


"KENNA TURN THAT FAN OFF"


"KENNA GET OFF THAT DAMN PHONE"

Now...it's MY cell phone, I have offered to pay the electricity bill and I live in Ft Knox so there is no ventilation after dark, and I am usually hot.

Welcome home. Gran is on a roll!!!

Granny Panties?

I have written about laundry before, and how I have to do laundry during the day becaue of gran.

Well last night she came home and felt like folding laundry, so she folded mine....which she does sometimes and it's always welcome.

And my mom comes over today to give her her meds, and realizes she isn't wearing the disposables she's supposed to be wearing.

No....she's wearing MY UNDERWEAR!!!

GROSS!!!

Welll......seems she decided to be an underwear caper. I'll admit....I wear granny panties. And it was the white load she was folding. But my panties are MINE and I am not so skinny and gran is.

However, they are the seamless kind and they look a lot smaller than they are. So gran folds my laundry and puts some of it in her drawer....and I now have to keep my drawers under lock and KEY!!!

The hunt is on....

So this weekend we decided to play a new game around here.

Let's hide Kenna's Glasses.

Yeah. I wasn't amused. I get home from the Community Festival day frustrated because it was a slow day and I was hot, and I was tired and I was cranky so Bonnie and I decide to go out to dinner.

I come home take off my sunglasses, walk into the bathroom to get my regular glasses, which I leave on the sink, and *POOF* they have vanished.

I look in the drawers. I look in my room. I look in the kitchen and grans room and no glasses.

I call my mom. "Ma, did you see my glasses today?

"Yeah, they were on the sink in the bathroom"

"Well....they aren't now."

"What'd you do with them"

"Nothing. I was gone ALL DAY"

"Did the housekeeper move them"

"No. She doesn't do that kind of thing"

"Well....start looking"

So the hunt for Kenna's glasses was on.

I looked in grans room. I looked by the dreaded red chair. I looked under the cushions (per a suggestion from Daralynn who's son is autistic and an awful lot like gran. She sympathizes) I looked in the fridge, under everything.

Nada.

Finally SO FRUSTRATED I go find an old pair and decide to suck it up. I am praying that I find my lovely Ferragamo frames that I love so much!! I am broke and can't afford new glasses yet.

Besides it's late by this time and I figure the hunt can continue tomorrow.

Sunday I get up and Sunday is a HORRID morning....Dude tried to break up with me for my own good (that's a story for another blog, let's just say by the end of the conversation we were not broken up and all is once again right in THAT world) I go looking for a pen in the green vase where gran keeps the pens.....and low and behold....

I FIND MY GLASSES.

What in the sam hill are my glasses doing there?

Who the hell knows. She obviously picked them up and stuck them there. Now I know another place to look. It's like when she plays "Hide the cane" only the cane is big and easier to find!!

You're so vain....

That song describes Gran.

Did I mention that she's 91??

Today was "seniors" at church. Basically it's a social hour of lunch, bingo, chatter, etc at the church hall every other Monday. Usually my mom brings her and drops her off, but my mom was busy this morning so the chore fell on my shoulders.

First of all gran was NOT amused by the switchup. Mom is the one who is supposed to drive her around. Not me. She doesn't appreciate change. So the switch to me was particularly annoying. THEN we start the leaving the house routine....

Gran: "Close those windows"

Me: "nope. I'm only dropping you off at church and will be right home:

Gran: "I SAID CLOSE THOSE WINDOWS. Anyone can come in this house"

Me: "Why? We're going to be gone for 10 minutes. I'll be home. LETS GO".

Gran: "Where's my purse?"

Me: "In the den. Where's your cane?"

Gran: "I'm not taking my cane to church"

Me: "OH YES YOU ARE"

Gran: "NO I'm NOT. Gimme that damn thing" (and she throws it to the ground)

Me: "TAKE YOUR CANE"

Gran: "NO"

Me: (picking up the cane) "You need the cane take the cane. I will carry it out, but you WILL take the cane"

Gran: "I don't need the damn cane" (then she stumbles. I give her the cane)

We get to seniors....repeat said conversation with me thrusting the cane in her old lady hands and making her use it. Now mind you that we are at SENIORS and the average age in the hall is about 80 and a good 75% of the old fogies have canes. But gran is OH SO VAIN that she can't be seen with her red with pink polka dots cane.

Yes. Her nickname when she was younger was Diamond because she thought she was better than everyone else.

She still does.

Meals on Wheels

Gran gets Meals on Wheels. For those that aren't familiar with the program, it's a food delivery service for elderly shut ins. They deliver one hot meal in the afternoon and a sack lunch. It is often the only food Gran eats during the day, and they are a Godsend.

Anyway, I digress.

So I had never really paid attention to the Meals on Wheels volunteers, but now that I've been home I get to witness the deliveries, and occasionally I take them for her.

The other day this Mercedes SUV roars up and out crawls a very elderly man, who is as old as Gran if he is a day. And his little white haired, hunched over self goes to the back of his suv, pulls out her meal with his little oven mitt on and starts shuffling up the path....

Then he see's Gran.

He smiles this BIG dentury grin (there is NO WAY that that stooped little man could possibly had BIG WHITE TEETH. They HAD to be dentures) and says:

"Good Morning Mrs. O"

and Gran, ever vain and always loving the mens replies:

"Good Morning" and grins her little grin minus a few teeth.

he says to her

"I'm bringing your lunch, you should come get it while it's hot"

and she replies:

"Oh thank you!"

and I realized something.

They were flirting with each other. Her in her broom and disposable drawers, him in his one oven mitt, grinning like teenagers.

EWWWWWW

GRAN!!!!!!

So there are days when I think I live with a 12 year old boy.

Seriously. She can be SO crass. Hey, I know I'm not the most proper of women in the world, but she takes the cake. This morning I am putting laundry into the washer (it's day time, its all good) and gran is sitting in the ever present red chair and I look over and she is BLOWING HER NOSE on the hem of her nightgown.

GRAN!!!!!!

She looks at me and says "what?"

"Use a Kleenex, they are RIGHT THERE"

"What for?"

"Because that's GROSS"

"Shut up Kenna. I needed to blow my nose. It was there."

Areyoufreakingkiddingme? Really? It's come to this?

I am grossed out.

Of course we can add it to the laundry list of other gross things that granny does. Like drink right out of the container. We have switched her to soy milk because it's easier on her digestive track and last night I'm sitting on my couch in my living room (we have separate rooms, it's easier on me) and I look over and she is CHUGGING soy milk out of the container standing in the fridge.

"GRAN! Why don't you get a glass"

"What for, I just wanted a swallow"

I just stare.

Look at those leaves!

I know I've written about gran and the leaves before.

However, at least twice a day, sometimes three or four times she goes on patrol and hits the leaves in the yard. She picks up her broom and heads out the back gate to attack the leaves from the beautiful Magnolia trees in the side yard.

Here is gran and her rake and the leaves!